1. |
spill
01:08
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i’m a maladroit lover
my hands are everywhere
stumbling into any arms
that lend me an ear
to vomit up my guts
and share entirely too much
just living day to day
waiting for the next kind touch
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
i’ll always want something more
something you can’t give
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2. |
metaphysical
01:36
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no matter the country
no matter the state
no matter the province
something always hangs
there’s an unwillingness to feel
an unwanting to be
residing inside everyone including me
the lack of coping seething into everything
the stones and the asphalt and into the buildings
birthing this companion into a compromised living
metaphysical sense of longing for just one more breath
just one more shared time, body, laugh
_________-ville, west ___________
_________-apolis, east ___________
everywhere you go is a city of loss
every new structure contains new faces who you will pass before they pass
there’s an endless amount of grieving to be done
swallowed like a pill
on a cruel earth’s tongue
the dark age of damning it all
wishing you could stay inside instead
“i never want to meet another soul
never want to make a connection
i would be so much better off
not knowing you existed
there’s no need to say goodbye if I never said hello
no need to wish for more if there wasn’t a thing to show
no need to have to grieve if I never knew your being
give me isolation and give me no one else
so no one has to feel this way about me”
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3. |
gone
01:08
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will you remember who I am?
it can’t be any darker than this
just take that daunting step into the abyss
nothing can be any worse than this
living but not wanting to be alive
is that not just lifelessness?
the birds are telling me to choose
between the things that are necessary
and the things I can lose
but breathing hasn’t ever quite been a top priority
so I guess I’d be better without it
this is just the same shit I’ve been saying for too fucking long
why do the people around me get the privilege to die but I’m stuck around
they say third time’s the charm but I guess the spell wore out
because three attempts later and I’m still not down
the magic’s gone
the glow is gone
the light is gone
the energy’s gone
the good is gone
the pain is not
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4. |
honor
06:04
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to become god is the loneliest achievement of them all
and maybe tonight i’ll bless us with the strength to leave
a heavy hand over an early exit from everything i know
o, what relief! the weight on my shoulders smothering me!
o, what relief! being crushed to death setting me free!
won’t more time just pass me by?
won’t more time just pass me by?
won’t more time just pass me by?
won’t more time just pass me by?
won’t more time just pass me by?
won’t more time just pass me by?
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5. |
duskhuffer
02:46
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for every tongue that has seen
the inside of my throat
there's been a night without sleep, gritting my teeth
with my mouth begging to be full of your blood and screams
spit isn't enough for the graves of those who produce the slime i've heaved
and there's a worm in my head that keeps reminding me of your stench
so when it creeps close enough to fill my nose with smell
i won't have time to hesitate
i will
go for the throat
break the spine
sever the head
stand with pride
knowing what rat stirs itself in my pit every time i breathe
right in the center where my stomach used to be
where he eats his way through every nerve in my body
is what will finally kill my humanity
and when the day comes where hell freezes over
i'll be sure to pack you away in a nice coat
so when you wake up you'll know someone who once cared
is the one that buried you deep inside your fucking hole
i will
go for the throat
break the spine
sever the head
stand with pride
(i will snort in the sun with the dust of your bones)
i will
go for the throat
break the spine
sever the head
stand with pride
(i will bring on the dusk of the days when i was yours)
i will
go for the throat
i will
break the spine
i will
sever the head
i will
claim it as mine
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6. |
nautilus
06:03
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how do I fill the you shaped hole inside my soul
encounters with no foundation to try and bridge the gap
but my heart just gets dimmer as they wedge open the cracks
reading self help articles about how to forget someone who won’t love you back
getting drunk on melancholy and thoughts of things i lack
i’ll never be them no matter how much i want to be in your eyes
i’ll never be them no matter how badly i wanna be by your side
so many forces pulling and pushing each other.
the clear line where the light pollution from being open gets brushed outward into a blurred, vast darkness.
you don’t want to collect anything that’s ugly or broken and it leaves me wondering what you’ll think of me when you get to know more of it
i’ll never be the polished nautilus you want me to be
I’ll never be something bathed in all-abstracted symmetry
i’ll never be the one you fall asleep next to at night
i’ll never be the one you want to place your hand inside
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
this doesn’t feel right
it will never feel right
with me in your life
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7. |
deathconsciousniche
03:15
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i could fall apart, dig out my heart
carve into my chest cavity with a garden trowel
extract the thing that makes me tick
and keeps me awakening every day
and rid my hands of this shit existence
but then I’d just have to start again
if all things go according to plan
besides this shirt’s too nice
to get covered in blood tonight
this shirt’s too nice
to get torn apart tonight
maybe if I could sing and play like dan barrett or tim macuga
i could make pointless existence sound so beautifully enchanting
but that’s not it
it’s what it is
but that’s not it
it’s what it is
and suffering is just my shit
and that’s just it
it’s what it is
and that’s just it
it’s what it is
and everything, I’m over it
that’s all it is
it’s what it is
that’s all it is
it’s what it is
that’s all there is
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8. |
knowing
03:24
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I want omniscience
to know why my friends keep dying
and why the others keep drifting further away
I want to understand the things that haunted them
like they now haunt me
why am i still here when they aren’t
why do i deserve this spot
why don’t i want it
why don’t i want it
and if tragedies come in threes
and there are only two
is the next one me?
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
and i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
i wanna know
were they closed or open?
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9. |
support
02:37
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when you’re someone unable to triumph *******-ridden **********, what becomes your life support? is it the things you have? the people you support? what if you don’t have anything relying on you? what is your tether?
what if you spend your whole life feeling untied from this globe? what if it’s only part of it? what if you’ve spent your whole life craving to feel weightless, absolutely vying for it, then one day you realize that you’ve never even felt the ground? you’ve spent your entire life floating.
you’ve been floating over emotion and care and attachment and no matter how hard you try to reach down for it you’re always the same distance away. your hand doesn’t get closer, your body just goes further.
imagine the machine bridging a gap between those things for you. or medication being a rope that then connects you to the things you’ve been reaching for? what if you feel connected for once and it’s too much so you let it go?
i keep letting it go
i keep pulling the plug
i keep letting it go
i keep pulling the plug
i keep letting it go
i keep pulling the plug
i keep letting it go
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10. |
enough
02:58
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if someone is calling out for help in the middle of the forest and no one else is around, do they make a sound?
what if you’re not crying loud but inside you’re breaking down?
are you making a sound?
are you reaching out?
are you doing enough?
when you’re falling behind
subconscious curled up and ready to die
you still end up asking yourself
“are you doing enough?”
keep it coming
pile it up
fill me with distractions
till it runs out the cup
pull me apart to stuff me with non-
sensical activities to move me along
make plans
cancel
have ideas
stifle
find passion
lose it
become a victim of the circumstance
full time jobs aren’t for everyone when you can’t get out of bed
channel all your energy
become someone else instead
be disappointed by your reflection
disappointed in the end
pick apart your minor flaws
make them major
tell yourself it’ll get better with time
ignore all signs and wisdom for recovery
make plans
then cancel
have ideas
to stifle
find passion
and lose it
become a victim of the circumstance
who will you be each morning?
never the same face but always the same mind
always the same forest fire but never the same time
who will you become?
who will i be when i die my untimely death?
will i know them as myself?
or will i just see someone else the morning of my suicide?
who will stare back at me the moments before i die?
who knows?
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
becoming someone you no longer recognize
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
maybe that’s just life
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11. |
shape
03:33
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grief is an entirely different creature
quadruped entropy of hurt
cornered and drawn forth
the reference point of past self is consistently maneuvering its way through the throes
volatile and ever-changing, skinshift into something vastly contrasting
manifest! the colors of yourself are smeared together where once separate
manifest! the chaos of emotion is shattered vials in sterile experiment
manifest! the grief is the creature inside of you that demands codependence
guiding light giving falsified hope
recovery is another fabricated trope
it hurts the same years after and will hurt the same even further
the future has a blueprint of the tar of forced unfortunate removal
drafted by a cosmic comic entity swallowing the soul
so begin to reject the stars
the only sun lived under is loss now
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12. |
windshield
02:14
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facing two trash bins on the side of the road
not physically, I mean, I’m speaking in code
thumbs outstretched in hopes for a ride
but only if you’re feeling empty tonight
an offering of things that remind you of yourself
open up the lid and fall into the well
come up bearing treasure that will make you feel better
but only for a moment before it’s back to unwell
you’re overthinking it
you’re overthinking it
and if you are then maybe it applies to you
i don’t know what i mean but that means you don’t either
it’s just a scrap on a heap dumping into the ether
the warmth, the light
the tone, the life
all the thoughts recharging and circulating back into the body
when was the time that you first felt ungodly?
disconnected from the things that raised you up?
disconnected from the beings that lift you up?
or take you away?
or whatever they say?
when was the time that you first felt unfit?
something wrong
deep within?
or maybe it was a little closer to your skin?
or right underneath it?
maybe it was it?
who were the people that were speaking that thought?
who were the people that were lighting that match?
who was the creature leaning into your ear whispering every little thing about you queer?
or just weird?
something that made you stand out from the crowd?
who the fuck was it that figured you out?
and who is the person staring at you now?
what is their warmth? their light?
their tone? their life?
what are the ethers of those that have haunted your years?
what are they like?
what are you like?
maybe you just need a little more time?
time to think
to reflect
time to mull about how often you’re the subject
or the ass end
of the joke
maybe you really just need time for a smoke?
to contemplate the things that interfere with your life?
or maybe the better term is intertwine?
conversation with the reflection in the windshield
moving and washing with the lights of every oncoming vehicle
the distortion of the features until it’s born anew
talking back and forth and looking just like you
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13. |
fear
03:19
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the best way to stay alive is to fill yourself with fear
i'm afraid of loving you and being loved so emotional capacity adhere
psoriasis of the heart
scratch and peel the tissues away
I'm crumbling so do your part
and sweep up the pieces that roll your way
Pressure me
Put me back together to break me in different way
Maybe then what you want and what I am will become the same
Glue fractured end to fractured end to make a mosaic representation
That's more romanticization
Than it is me
But i guess that's what you need
And you never needed me
I never feel more disconnected from my name than when you say it to my face
This twisted form of punishment, only taken raw
No protection from the obsession with it all
I'll deprive myself of intimacy until there's nothing left
I'll keep fucking around until I don't feel like shit
It goes on forever
It goes on forever
It goes on forever
(I'm so tired)
It goes on forever
(I'm so tired)
It goes on forever
(I'm so tired)
It goes on forever
I'm so tired of sex
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14. |
accessory
01:02
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sometimes it just stops
and you stop knowing who you were before
back when the pain was gone
it attaches itself to you and you end up brandishing it to the world
you’ll show everyone your pain before they know the real you
but who is the you without hurt?
who am i without the hurt?
I don’t want to think about that
so I’ll wait until I reach that bridge before I burn it
and i’ll let my hair keep growing until I’m no longer hurting
then I’ll shave it off to signify the loss and yearning
to rectify the wrongs I’ve made and for your returning
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15. |
plug
02:56
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writing little notes to yourself to keep you sane
things like good lines for suicide notes that you can just throw away
but if i actually kill myself what will my note say?
there’s too much thought in my head to funnel and explain.
how can I survive if I can't even get out of this maze?
will the suffering end soon or will I never make amends for the past words said
and the past actions not taken while depression slowly creeps through my body
and out my mouth into the words you hear now?
I can't trap my sadness in a cage
I can't feel anything
how do you describe being unplugged from an outlet that was never installed?
it raining with no roof and no house and no walls?
maybe something that’s never been put together coming apart?
or maybe failing organs that never stop the heart?
the scorned wrong writing that won’t ever fully erase?
will all my vain attempts be scrawled across the page?
or will the words that overlap be whittled to one phrase?
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
the disconnect
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16. |
depart
03:31
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the blissful dream at the end of the heartbeat
wash me in warmth and take the color out of me
take the weight off of me
take the inadequacy
wrap me in the blanket of eternity
spread apart and thinned forward into separate identity
it will be so much better when i’m
much better
so much better
much better
better
so much better
when i’m gone
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